Sankofa: Why We Keep Repeating the Same Cycles Until We Heal

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Have you ever found yourself saying, "Why does this keep happening to me?"

You leave a toxic relationship, only to find yourself in another one just like it. You move to a new job, but the same frustrations follow. You set boundaries, only to end up overextending yourself again. No matter how much you try to change your surroundings, the same patterns seem to find you.

It’s exhausting. It feels unfair. And at times, it can feel like fate.

But here’s the truth: our circumstances may change, but if we haven’t changed internally, our patterns will always repeat themselves.

There is a powerful Ghanaian proverb that speaks to this reality: Sankofa—"go back and fetch it." It reminds us that true progress isn’t about running from the past—it’s about learning from it.

But here’s where many of us go wrong: we reflect, but we don’t take accountability. We revisit the past, but only to justify ourselves, to confirm our own biases, or to shift the blame onto others. Without self-awareness and responsibility, we will always find ourselves in the same situations, just with different faces and settings.

The Unconscious Patterns That Keep Us Stuck

In psychodynamic therapy, we call this repetition compulsion—the unconscious drive to recreate familiar experiences, even when they are painful, because, on some level, they feel safe.

Many of us are unknowingly drawn to environments, relationships, and situations that reinforce what we already believe about ourselves—even if those beliefs are unhealthy. Without realising it, our unresolved wounds keep leading us into the same dysfunction.

For example:

💔 A woman who grew up feeling unheard may unconsciously choose partners who dismiss her voice.

💼 Someone who was raised in an emotionally neglectful home may struggle to recognise real care and instead feel drawn to emotionally unavailable people.

🙅🏾‍♀️ A person who never learned to set boundaries may continue to overextend themselves in friendships, relationships, or work—only to feel drained and unappreciated.

The reality is, we don’t just attract what we want—we attract what we are ready for. If we do not heal, we will continue to find ourselves in the same pain, even in new circumstances.

Wisdom and Accountability: The Key to Breaking the Cycle

From a faith-based perspective, this aligns with Proverbs 4:7: "Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting, get understanding." Growth isn’t just about moving forward—it’s about understanding why we made certain choices, why we ignored red flags, and why we settled for less than we deserved.

True change requires:✔️ Recognising our patterns—not with shame, but with honesty.✔️ Taking responsibility for where we may have ignored warning signs or repeated unhealthy behaviours.✔️ Making amends where possible, and where we can’t, forgiving ourselves and choosing better moving forward.

You Can’t Heal What You Won’t Face

We cannot change the past, but we can change what we carry into the future. And if we do not heal, we will keep meeting the same lessons in different people, places, and circumstances.

So, if you find yourself in a repeating cycle, stop and ask:

"Have I truly changed, or am I just hoping my circumstances will?"

Sankofa reminds us that healing doesn’t come from avoiding the past—it comes from learning from it. If we do the inner work, we can break free. But that freedom starts within.

Ready to Break the Cycle? Let’s Work Together.

If you’re tired of repeating the same painful patterns and are ready to make real, lasting change, therapy can help. Through a psychodynamic and faith-integrated approach, we will uncover the unconscious beliefs keeping you stuck, so you can move forward with clarity, confidence, and self-awareness.

📞 Book a session today and take the first step towards healing.